“There’s no way to caption this without being sexist.” — anonymous komikero
Psylocke: A British telepath inhabiting the body of a Japanese ninja assassin and master martial artist, Betsy Braddock is able to telekinetically enhance her strength and agility enough to outmatch Sabretooth. Her telepathic powers allow her to read her opponents’ minds, and project a focused beam of directed psionic energy into a ‘psycho-blast’ or a ‘psi-blade’ capable of piercing the Juggernaut’s psi-proof helmet.
Why She Wins: Psylocke shoots out a blast of psionic energy at Sara Pezzini and simultaneously charges at her wielding, her psi-blade. The Witchblade instictively blocks her attacks, not letting its host be harmed. Psylocke detects this through her telepathy and unleashes a torrent of psychic attacks coupled with physical blows to continue distracting the Witchblade. Pezzini, unable to withstand the psychic assault, passes out, leaving the Witchblade without a bearer. Psylocke then calls on it come and claim its new host.
Witchblade: Passed along for generations as a mystical gauntlet borne by generations of great warrior women, the Witchblade grants its bearer heightened agility, nigh-invulnerability, a force blast, and at times… necromancy.
Why She Wins: Tough as nails New York City cop Sara Pezzini uses the Witchblade’s demonic attacks to hold the telepathic ninja at bay, but is unable to for too long, not being an advanced martial artist. With Psylocke barely able to physically harm Pezzini, the mutant switches to psychic assault and plunges a psi-blade into Witchblade’s mind. Initially thinking it an easy win, Psylocke is overwhelmed by the gauntlet’s ancient demonic essence and is left a convulsing (albeit hot) mess on the floor as Sara walks away, unfazed.
Scarecrow: Professor Jonathan Crane is a brilliant psychologist and chemist with a keen hand in the realm of phobias. Terror is his ally as his infamously concocted fear gas causes his victims to hallucinate their deepest darkest fears.
Why He Wins: As Crane awkwardly walks toward his fishbowl-headed foe, his senses are assaulted by a milieu of strobing lights, hallucinated creatures, and other manner of childish movie magic. The Scarecrow trudges on, unaffected, unwittingly deriving a warped bravery from his absolute lack of fear for anything except some dark knight. Once within range, he releases his fear gas into the mists around Mysterio. With both men now surrounded by a cocktail of their own hallucinogenic gases, Scarecrow emerges victorious due to his resistance to the chemicals, while Mysterio trembles in shock as his air supply runs out and he’s forced to breath in the terror.
Mysterio: A former movie effects specialist, Quentin Beck saw a brighter future in the world of crime. Using his expertise in film magic and gadgetry, Beck made a name for himself as Mysterio, the master of illlusion.
Why He Wins: After using a robot impostor to act like it’s affected by the hallucinogen, Mysterio masterfully hides in his control room and watches Scarecrow stab the robot in the heart, fake blood splattering everywhere. The Master of Illusion then shows his own hand while enjoying the foolish premature celebration of the so-called psychologist of fear. Numerous robotic crows then pop out of the shadows and attack with an array of claws, lasers, and hi-tech weaponry. Machines don’t breath, and Jonathan Crane is only human as well. Scarecrow is only able to dodge so much before falling prey to trickery. In the end, the Scarecrow is only for the birds.
Batman: Upon seeing his parents murdered in front of him as a young boy, Bruce Wayne honed his mind and body into weapons against crime and corruption. With state of the art technology, the sharpest mind of his time, and the peak of human physical prowess, he fights for justice as the Dark Knight, striking fear into the hearts of men.
Why He Wins: The Caped Crusader keeps DD at bay with an array of batarangs and smoke pellets, at which point he notices that his adversary is able to dodge or duck everything he throws at him. Deducing that DD has heightened or superhuman senses of some sort, he activates the sonic emitter to attract a flock of bats to throw DD off-balance in mid-leap. The hypersonics confirm Batman’s suspicions of heightened hearing, at which point he uses silent lasers to dispatch or disable Murdock, without ever having to land a punch.
Daredevil: Exposed to toxic chemicals as a child, Matt Murdock was initially stricken blind but eventually developed superhuman senses and agility. With his heightened sensory accuracy and sensitivity, he fights for justice in Hell’s Kitchen as the man without fear.
Why He Wins: With Daredevil’s moniker being “The Man Without Fear,” and Batman relying on his abiltiy to strike terror into his opponents, the Dark Knight loses an edge. Batman may use an assortment of gadgets, but even Bullseye (who supposedly never misses) has a hard time hitting Daredevil — it’ll be impossible for Batman to hit him with anything. Given all that, this will become a straight-up fist fight. Physically, both heroes are in peak condition. Batman is physically stronger, while Daredevil is more agile. Daredevil will be able to see everything Batman throws at him coming, and without any intel on each other, it’s impossible to figure out that Daredevil is, in fact, blind… since nothing he does in costume hints at it. Evenly matched, it all comes down to who has powers. And Batman is simply all too human against a devil.